Knowing when to stop tolerating all the toxic behaviours

About tolerance! Knowing when to stop tolerating all the toxic behaviours of others is a great way of securing our mental health. I will be sharing a little experience of an incident that occurred few months ago in between this article.

It is often said that having a tolerating personality makes us kind, accommodating, and humble, but the main problem for people such as myself who strive to live this way is not knowing when to draw the line in the face of negativity. Getting consumed by the toxic behaviours of others and feeling that tolerance is the best way to handle the toxicity is the reality of many people.

Being offended by others and always choosing to suck it in without telling them how badly they behaved only hurts the offended and not the offender, condoling toxicity is toxic itself. There was a time in my life when I always kept quite when people offended, oppressed, or did awful things to me, until a point when I couldn’t tolerate so much any longer. Tolerating everything causes internal damages that affects our mental health.

The Background of Tolerance

I grew up in a society that encouraged keeping quiet as a sign of respect to our elders. So even if these elders were exhibiting toxic behaviours, there was no option but to tolerate and sometimes get blamed for what we didn‘t do. This mentality lingers and affects the way most people from my kind of society behave and interact.

People from other kinds of societies that possess a very high tolerance level, I could say, came naturally. But the major bone of contention here, is knowing when to stop tolerating everything. The more toxic behaviours are tolerated, the worse those that exhibit these behaviours get and the more offended the person tolerating gets. Most people exhibiting toxic behaviours are not ready to change rather they get worse. I mean, how can a person who doesn‘t even know if he/she is wrong correct him/herself, adjust or change?

I write and wonder if only people could be empathetic in action, things would have been a lot more beautiful. But then, this is impossible in reality. So, I am left with only imaginations in my head.

People only care about what pleases them. Well, not everyone, but just as I wrote in one of my quotes “everyone can be selfish, and everyone can be selfless, it all depends on what a person choose to be at every given point in time“. Trait and character might start from our environment and society, but I strongly believe we have the power to choose what we nurture.

Endurance (A true personal story)

Tolerance is actually a great trait to possess, and has to do with endurance. We need to tolerate in order to get by a lot in life and maintain relationships with family, friends, loved ones, colleagues, team mates, and even strangers, but for how long should we tolerate or endure ill behaviours from others?

When I moved to Germany, I started doing personal jobs for three families. Taking into cognisance the dynamics of people and their behaviours, I understood whenever each family reacted or communicated differently. Two families had some kind of similarities. Before I begin the tasks assigned to me for a day, they would offer me whatever I accept to take and sometimes we kick-off with conversations. I felts welcomed, I felt the kind and accommodating spirit and although the job wasn‘t all that pleasant, they made it bearable, so I was able to endure.

Tolerance

One particular family on the the other hand, was exactly the opposite. The insatiable and perfectionist wife ensured she made all my efforts of carrying out my duties more difficult than it should be. No gratitude, rather complaints, despite putting in more and more efforts daily, she was kin on always finding the littlest errors. At the very earlier stage, I wanted to quit to protect my feelings and mental health.

But then, I continued to endure for weeks and months, but my mental health was going down. This was every Wednesday, and whenever the day comes, I become really unhappy. This is how powerful toxic behaviours of others can be. I always said to myself, “yes, I was being paid for the job, but is it worth the constant bad feeling and extreme pressure?” I wondered every week. And poor Wednesday was suffering from my dislike caused by someone else’s bad behaviour.

Knowing when to stop.

She became worse, and I couldn‘t continue. The line she crossed was the day I strived to do more than what was expected and still managed to finish 10 minutes earlier to catch up with the bus that would take me back to the university to meet up with my classes, but she refused and insisted I stayed until the exact time. Then and there I decided that it was over, and I am done tolerating. I could tolerate to a point where the other person becomes inconsiderate and wicked. A lot of experiences I would have shared, but I am trying for this article not to be more lengthier than it already is, therefore, I wouldn‘t dare to write more.

A lot of people experience toxicity and bad behaviours in different ways. From close friends, family, spouse, colleagues, and bosses. And with the thoughts of having no option, they continue to suffer.

The best time to stop is your choice, because I can‘t write the minds of others. Know when it is enough and when things are getting out of hand. The ill behaviours need not be resolved with another ill behaviour, rather effectively communicating the wrongs of others to them. This gives room for positive changes and not losing cherished ones,. But remember that change can only be accepted by someone who is willing.

When people are being really toxic, inconsiderate, unbearable, or really annoying with their actions, response, behaviours, and attitude, try to at some point confront, rather than tolerate. Some people with low tolerance level believe in the theory of confronting an issue from the onset to avoid accumulation or the problem getting worse. I might in some situations agree with this theory, but not completely. Sometimes, people act out of anger and quickly regain themselves to apologize. If this is not a habit, then it is not a toxic trait.

Confronting a problem is hard, especially when we are avoiding a bigger problem that might come up due to the confrontation, but, if ill and toxic behaviours are tolerated for so long, it will lead to more and more scarier scenarios.

Sitting and thinking when really is the best time to stop. For the sake of our mental health, we have to know when to stop tolerating everything from people. I will write down some helpful tips gained from experience.

• When you are constantly being made to feel frustrated, and left with questioning yourself negatively, when it should be the other way round, don’t tolerate any further.
• When your energy is being drained, and your mental health is constantly threatened, don’t tolerate any further.
• When your dignity, sanity, and personality is being questioned wrongly, don’t tolerate. Speak up before it’s too late.
• When your struggles, strives, and efforts are not regarded, and the rewards you get are ingratitude, constant complaints, with no encouragement, then you really need to stop tolerating.

You matter too! Your opinions should be heard, your feelings should be considered, effective communication should be practiced, love for other people should be reciprocal, tolerate only to the point where you not severely ruining yourself to do so.